What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 08:22
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What kind of lights would you like to use for your home decor?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Any straight men had a gay experience in the past? What was it and how did you feel?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
All the time i was locked up.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What are the symptoms of Sjogren’s?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When she asked me how she looked .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But, we were locked up after school.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She married twice! .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She loved him until the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
We were not on the streets..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
Who then, do I blame.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
I was scared of men, in general
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was 9 years of age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
She was in good health!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ive learnt so much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He knew the spot.
I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She wouldn,t have been !
My life is so biszare .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My family never makes their pension either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was seconnd youngest,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
What did i know ?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We all went to grammer schools
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.